Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
