Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
