Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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