I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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