remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
vagina is talking i cant
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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