She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
