whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize