Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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