it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
