A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
