i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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