She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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