Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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