her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
