my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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