dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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