Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
