kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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