screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize