I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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