If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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