Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
