theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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