My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
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