i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
