I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
