Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
