Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
