At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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