I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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