just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
