I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
