What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
