could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Randomize
