He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
