Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
