True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
No I am not eating basil off your cock
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
