Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
