Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
