So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
