The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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