His hands were made for my vagina.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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