I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
