I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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