I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Who did Billy Mays play for?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
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