Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize