Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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