Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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