I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
