Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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