If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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