Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
