This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
