I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
