Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Even my vagina gasped.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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