it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
